Sunday Musings
A little bit of guilt isn't such a bad thing.
Even during my self-proclaimed days as a lapsed Catholic (mid-20s to early-30s), I would incur bouts of Catholic guilt. The concept is actually nonsensical, because Catholics are supposed to believe that they are absolved of their sins if they are truly sorry and ask God for forgiveness. Those of us with Catholic guilt go the extra mile, feeling shame and remorse long after the sin has been committed. And often it’s not even a sin per se, but an instance where we know we have not tried our best or we’ve acted like an idiot.
With time, the guilt subsides, but you can still describe how it made you feel ashamed, worthless and/or like a bad person.
Lately, as I’ve been sitting at Sunday Mass minding my own business and trying to pay attention, I’ve been wracked with severe relapses of Catholic guilt. It isn’t about things I did wrong or inadequately the week before, it’s about stuff I did 30+ years ago.
Imagine, you’re sitting in a quiet pew and focused on church, when suddenly you remember that you never returned the overdue library book in fourth grade and instead hid it in the back of your closet for three years until you were sure the school had forgotten about it. What are you supposed to do with that remorse? I’m fairly certain that all of the administrators involved with my grade school are either nonagenarians or dead. To whom do I apologize?
I already asked for forgiveness from the Big Guy years ago, so why has this past experience suddenly been thrust to the front of my brain, where it causes me to squirm in my seat and wish I could go back for a do over on this and so many other actions?
Perhaps it’s the aging process. Maybe I’m starting to reflect on my life and think about where I took wrong turns. If that’s the case, I will be spending the rest of my years recalling moments where I should have gone in a different direction. I simply don’t have time for that
Even as I grapple with late-stage Catholic guilt, I have concluded that a tiny bit of guilt is not such a bad thing as long as it is properly used.
Let me explain:
When I was growing up, one of the last things kids wanted to do was disappoint their parents. It wasn’t just that their parents might lay down swift punishment, but also that their parents would truly be hurt by what they had done. “I didn’t raise you to be a (fill-in-the-blank)” was a common phrase. You could just imagine your mother or father ducking into a store hoping to remain unseen, lest a relative, neighbor or friend spot them and yell, “I saw what Junior did the other day!”
It was that potential shame that might be brought on families that kept many a kid out of trouble. In an indirect way, that sense of guilt, or potential guilt, taught us what was truly important: doing the right thing, honoring your parents, being kind to others. When you followed those rules, you felt good, not bad, and it made a world of difference for you and those around you.
When I look at some of the troubles in schools, restaurants and in public today, I conclude that just a smidgen of guilt would be helpful. If you’re not going to worry about how your actions could negatively impact your immediate future, maybe think of the possible effects on others. Might your words or actions hurt someone, whether emotionally or physically? Could your quick temper inadvertently get someone else into a lot of trouble? Would you want your parents/loved ones to receive a proverbial black eye over something you did?
The key to this type of guilt is to experience it before actions take place. When I decided it was easier to hide a library book in my bedroom closet than bring it back to school six months late, I should have thought about how that would make me, and my parents, look if I was caught. Did I want - no, did I need that kind of weight on my shoulders? Because, believe me, had I been caught with a three-year-overdue book in my closet, returning it would have involved a lot more than just bringing it back to school with a quick “I’m sorry.”
How much better I would have felt to have immediately gotten that book back to school! How proud my parents would have been if I had quickly righted my wrong! Instead, the thought of that book stuffed way, way back in my closet haunts me in the middle of Mass 49 years later.
The only blessing I can glean from this weird PTSD is that I have the opportunity share it with other people so that they can hopefully avoid it. Think about the guilt that might appear years later if you act in a less-than-appropriate way, or think about how your mom, dad, child, best friend (or your God) might be impacted by your actions.
Grab the guilt ahead of time; then, make the best possible choices.
Shameless Promotion
If you are looking for more wisdom-via-hindsight, check out my book, “Do As I Say, Not As I Do: A Self-Deprecating Look at Life to Help Others Succeed,” which is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
I am just impressed that the only thing you have to be guilty about is a late library book! Good article. I think we feel guilt about the things we did long ago because we were young. Young people do dumb stuff.